Cease Being a Individuals-Pleaser and Set Wholesome Boundaries

“People-pleasers often struggle with self-identity and have weak boundaries, as their sense of worth is tied to external validation,” says Nader. “This results in not really knowing who you are, how to advocate for yourself, or [having] imbalanced relationships.” In addition to uncertainty and low self-worth, fear—often fear of disapproval or fear of letting someone down—is a common driving force behind these people-pleasing behaviors.

“[People-pleasers] might say ‘yes’ or agree to something because of a fear of abandonment, conflict, or disappointing someone,” says Nader. “This differs from genuine kindness, which typically does not involve feeling internal anxiety or fear,” Nader adds, supported by a 2020 study² on the correlation between prosociality—exhibiting behaviors that are intended to benefit others—and well-being. That sense of fear may have subconsciously led you to commit to inconvenient meetups, show up at parties you didn’t want to attend in the first place, or take on onerous projects at work without much thought about your needs and limits.

The good news is that you can shift away from these people-pleasing behaviors and build better habits that allow you to prioritize your own needs over others’ in a healthy way. Ahead, read what steps experts suggest taking to improve your self-identity and relationships as a people-pleaser.

How do I stop being a people-pleaser?

Once you’ve acknowledge that you have people-pleasing tendencies, it’s important to take a step back and consider what changes you can make in your social life to address any unmet needs. Here, experts share a few steps to help you understand the origins of your people-pleasing inclinations, how to stop being a people-pleaser, and explain how to set boundaries with the people you care about.

1. Notice your patterns

In order to address your people-pleasing tendencies, it’s crucial to take note of when these behaviors show up and what environments or situations you’re in when you perform these behaviors, says Natalie Moore, LMFT, a licensed therapist in Los Angeles. Are there specific circumstances that trigger these actions? Specific people? “Understand the signs of people-pleasing—such as seeking approval from others, avoiding conflict, lacking boundaries—so that you know what to look out for,” Moore suggests. Once you start noticing your people-pleasing behaviors in real-time, you’ll have a better grasp on how to find alternatives for these tendencies in the future. “Give yourself permission to just notice and get curious about your own behavior,” Nader says, adding that journaling without judgment can also help you keep track of these behaviors.

2. Identify the origins of your people-pleasing

As you reflect on how to stop being a people-pleaser, it’s also helpful to hone in on where your people-pleasing nature stems from, Nader adds. “People-pleasing most likely originated from childhood, as ‘parent pleasing,’ or maybe an early, significant relationship,” she suggests. According to Moore, several other early life experiences and outside factors may also influence a person’s people-pleasing tendencies. The most common influences include:

• Parental modeling: This refers to the behavior you witnessed from a parent or caregiver in early childhood. If one or both of your parents regularly demonstrated people-pleasing patterns, you may consider this normal behavior and not notice that you’re repeating those patterns into adulthood. This is also an example of a mother wound, or parent wound.
• Traumatic experiences: Traumatic experiences, especially those that occur within a relationship, can elicit a trauma response known as “fawning,” in which a trauma survivor tries to win favor with an abuser to reduce the frequency of abuse. If this is the case, your people-pleasing behavior may stem from a desire to avoid conflict and placate those around you.
• Anxious attachment style: Having an anxious attachment style means you struggle to believe people in your life care about you unless they are actively telling you so or doing something to demonstrate that love. If you have developed an anxious attachment style, you may have a fear of abandonment that drives you to people-please.
• Societal expectations. Women are more likely to become people-pleasers because they’re socialized to be attuned to others’ feelings. A 2011 study found that women scored hire than men on average in levels of agreeableness, a result likely influenced by cultural norms.

3. Practice self-compassion

As you set out to unlearn your people-pleasing tendencies, it’s essential to be gentle with yourself along the way, Nader says. “Because people-pleasers have low self-trust or sense of identity, beating ourselves up makes it ten times worse,” she explains. While negative self-talk may seem harmless in real-time, it can be detrimental long-term. “The words we use in our mind are more important than we think because it quickly becomes our identity,” says Nader. The solution to shaking this harmful self-talk habit? Try reframing your negative thoughts when they arise. For example, “‘I’m not good enough’ can look like, ‘I am still learning and it’s okay to not be perfect,” says Nader. It can also help to write down a self-affirmation (e.g., “You are enough,” or “You matter”) on a sticky note, then stick it somewhere you’ll see it every day, she says.

4. Uncover your needs

People-pleasing involves prioritizing the needs of others to the point that you’re violating your own boundaries, so it’s helpful to look inward and figure out what it is that you need. This may seem counterproductive at first if you’re used to putting others’s needs before your own all of your life. A 2020 study¹, however, supports the idea that occasionally saying “no” protects our integrity and prevents others from exploiting us. A second 2020 study³ also indicates that certain levels of selfishness correlate with healthier relationships and healthier levels of self-esteem.

“Aligning your actions with your core values can help you fulfill your needs and live a more authentic life.” —Maya Nehru, LMFT

“In working with people-pleasers in my practice, I’ve come to learn that most people-pleasers don’t know what their needs are,” says Maya Nehru, LMFT. “Either they’ve never learned that they’re allowed to have and voice their needs, or it’s been conditioned in them that their needs are not important or won’t get met.” Nehru suggests asking yourself questions like, “What do I need right now?” and “How is my body feeling right now?” as well as taking a broader look at your values. “Reflect on what is most important to you in life and take note of how you’re embodying (or compromising) these in your day-to-day,” says Nehru. “Aligning your actions with your core values can help you fulfill your needs and live a more authentic life.”

5. Rely on self-care

Don’t overlook the importance of self-care, Nader advises. “Don’t forget to have a list of self-care items that can help you after you set a boundary to prepare for the discomfort you may feel,” she says. “This may look like journaling and reminding yourself why it was important to set this boundary, going on a walk, yoga, or dancing to your favorite music.” Be sure to take a comprehensive look at your daily routines and consider making small changes that help replenish your mental, emotional, and physical energy levels, Moore adds. “Is your diet nutritious and are you eating at regular intervals? What does your exercise routine look like? Are you getting social nourishment?” Moore says. “Do you take breaks throughout your workday and rest on weekends? Answering these questions honestly will help you see where the gaps are so you can fill your own cup first.” Ultimately, this can help ensure that you’re able to show up for others, without experiencing the burnout and resentment that often go hand-in-hand people-pleasing behaviors.

What is the root cause of people-pleasing?

As we outlined above, people-pleasing can be caused by parental modeling, traumatic experiences, an anxious attachment style, and/or societal expectations. In other words, nurture—aka how you were raise—plays a key role in determining whether you exhibit people-pleasing tendencies. You may become a people-pleaser if your parents modeled similar behavior when you were growing up, or you may have a fear of abandonment due to inconsistent nurturing from your parents, which drives you to people-pleasing. Alternatively, a signficant moment of trauma in your life may have left you feeling unsafe, and therefore led you to subconscioulsy follow a pattern of people-pleasing behaviors. Seeking the help of a therapist or mental health professional can be beneficial in unconvering the source of these behaviors and learning how to stop being a people-pleaser.

How to set boundaries as a people-pleaser

When it comes to how to stop being a people-pleaser, saying “no” isn’t always enough. It’s crucial to set healthy boundaries that let the other people in your life know how much emotional energy you’re willing and able to commit to different activities at this point in your life. Doing this will help your friends and family members understand what to expect from you, and they will likely appreciate knowing your limits so they can avoid making you uncomfortable or overwhelming you. This might look like declining an invitation to a party you have no interest in attending, saying that your plate is full when asked to do someone a favor that you don’t have the bandwidth for, or explaining your work priorities and why it’s not okay when your boss asks you to join a new committee even though you’re already overextending yourself. “Setting boundaries is one of the most important and healthy things that we can do for ourselves,” Nehru says. “Our boundaries protect what’s most important to us, and they allow for authentic living and fulfilling relationships built on mutual understanding and respect.”

If all of this seems overwhelming, give yourself time to process your emotions and sit with the idea that people-pleasing is something you want to work on before you dive into making any significant changes. It can be extremely difficult to shake lifelong habits, especially if those habits were formed as a means of emotional protection. With the proper support—from a mental health professional, friends, and family—however, it is possible to learn how to stop being a people-pleaser and show up for yourself before you show up for others.