If your partner is a poor communicator, it can be helpful to open up a conversation about it outside of an actual conflict. It’s much harder to accept feedback about your tone or communication techniques in the moment when you are already upset and feeling under attack.
So, at a time when things are warm and open between you, let your partner know that you’d like to have a conversation about the way the two of you communicate with each other. Let them know the type of communication you’d like to have in the relationship, being sure to avoid criticism and instead focusing on what you’re wanting from them.
It can help to explain why certain adjustments would help you. For example, “It’s harder for me to process what you’re saying when you start raising your voice, because I start to feel quite activated.”
Make sure to ask your partner about things you might be able to improve on, too. Come up with a plan for how you can ground yourselves in these guidelines when a conflict comes up, whether that means pausing in the moment to recalibrate or having a debrief session after arguments to talk about how you could’ve improved your communication during it.
If you’re struggling to have productive conversations about your communication as a couple, don’t be afraid to schedule a session or two with a couples therapist, who can help guide you through some of those conversations.
