I knew was that from early on, back when Hailey was newly a toddler, that I wanted her to be driven by an internal force. I wanted her to have thirst for problem solving and a sense of personal responsibility. I wasn’t quite sure how to verbalize why I didn’t want to offer rewards for potty training or sticker charts for good behavior. In fact, it took me years to realize the correct terminology of what it was I was so wanted to instill in my children. Now I learned the correct terminology for my parenting goals- I wanted my children to be intrinsically motivated.
Intrinsic motivation refers to behavior that is driven by internal rewards. In other words, the motivation to engage in a behavior arises from within the individual because it is intrinsically rewarding.
Once I learned the terminology, I couldn’t stop researching it. I wanted to know how to do a better job at encouraging this in my children. I wanted to teach my children from the start about taking ownership in their own successes and failures.
As I researched I learned the basics. We are all born with intrinsic motivation. It’s how we learn to sit up, walk and talk. The action we are working towards learning is appealing because the reward comes in the mastery of the skill itself.
I’ve keep this philosophy in my head as I parent because I don’t think children should be rewarded for doing what is expected of them. In my mind, things like being respectful and helping out are things you do because you are a decent human being and a member of the family. That’s how my parents raised me (I think I may even remember my mom and dad saying that exact phrase?).
I also do not believe in regular bribery as parenting tactic. The problem with bribing children to do something is that they could possibly grow up believing that they always deserve some additional reward for simply doing what they are expected to do.
I’ve found that rewards only work for the short term success. Limiting the times I use rewards to one-off occasions makes them more effective. One example that comes to mind was a family road trip where the kids were exhausted from too much excitement and travel. They were taking forever to get buckled up so I dangled the carrot: when they when they were buckled up we could start a movie. I’ve never seen them leap into action so quickly!
Research points to using an extrinsic motivation in occasional situations is different than using rewards for everyday tasks, which run the risk of squashing internal motivation. I don’t want my kids asking me what’s in it for them every time I need them to do a simple task like brushing their teeth or putting on their shoes.
I’m going to take a step back real quick. Have I bribed my children before? Yes. Have I been so tired on days that I just don’t care? Of course! But as I’ve continued to see the proof of the principles of intrinsic motivation bear fruit in my kids, I continuously recommit myself to strive for consistency in my actions.
Raising Intrinsically Motivated Kids
Research concludes that internal motivation requires three elements: competency, autonomy and connection. Adhering to these suggestions, several things have proven to work in our household:
Praise effort rather than success or innate abilities.
If you tell a child he or she is so smart, then it is very realistic that they could rest on their laurels then become frustrated and abandon a task that does not come easy to them. Conversely, praising them for their efforts despite the outcome will build their confidence in their ability to work hard for something that is important to them.
Point out progress.
Attention spans in young children aren’t often long so pointing out milestones they are reaching along the way can be helpful in showing them how far they’ve come. Examples of this include exclaiming with excitement the number of books they have read this week or pointing out that they only have one chore left to do. Breaking large tasks into smaller parts helps kids (and I’d say adults as well) to stay focused. Feeling successful will breed motivation to reach the next goal.
Encourage autonomy by offering choices.
Having a child take ownership in a task is a huge part of our success in getting her to do it. Beginning in the toddler years I fell in love with offering options. Would you like to put your clothes in the hamper now or after bath? Being able to choose helped her feel empowered.
Encourage problem solving.
Encouraging problem solving can be tedious, especially when I can do something so much more quickly myself, but it’s really a hugely important skill to help her develop. For a toddler example, when she whined that she couldn’t reach the cup in the cabinet, I talked her through solving the problem herself. Does it take longer? Yes. But it’s easier to learn younger and is worth the effort. Some children feel it innately, but others benefit from a little encouragement that they can in fact handle more situations themselves than they might believe.
Allow room for mistakes.
Mistakes happen to all of us and it’s helpful for kids to know it’s part of the learning and living process. Encouraging them to try to solve the problem again helps them feel the intrinsic pride and confidence that comes with overcoming obstacles.
Have realistic expectations.
Goodness knows I am not focused and motivated all the time, so it would be pretty unrealistic for me to expect my children to be. We all have off days!
Recognize the good things your kids are doing and praise them on that rather than focusing in on their shortcomings.
This may be my favorite! It goes hand in hand with my other favorite quote: “promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.” Correcting poor behavior comes more naturally to a lot of us parents, but I’ve seen more benefits in my house for celebrating positive actions rather than punishing bad choices.
Limit extrinsic motivators.
I know this is hard. And personal experience tells me it’s freaking hard to parent by abstaining from ALL outside motivation (and don’t think it’s all bad). However, opting for celebration over a true reward can help children recognize their feelings of self satisfaction and pride leading them to want to repeat the action (intrinsic) rather than having them focused on and motivated by the toy/treat/etc.
Envision the future of their choices with them.
As kids develop from toddlers into teens, they almost look fully mature, even though their brains are not fully developed until well into their 20’s. One thing that’s helpful during this stage is to walk with them through the long haul of decisions they make. The average teenager considers the 12-24 hour consequences and rewards of a decision only, leading to many choices resulting in instant gratification. If we can help them walk through the choices they make to make the future results more tangible, they can find the intrinsic motivation to make better long term choices.
Break large tasks into smaller tasks.
We are all more inclined to stick with a goal when we feel we are seeing tangible success. Helping our children break long term goals into smaller, short-term goalposts can help them feel that boost of confidence and pride along the way, keeping their intrinsic motivation high for the ultimate goal.
Celebrate the child’s growth instead of the accomplishment.
Kaitlyn (9) is earning her black belt this week- a huge accomplishment five years in the making. It’s easy to celebrate the milestone- you earned your black belt! But taking the focus off the prize and putting it onto the growth can be a slight but effective shift. What work and commitment did she put into achieving this goal? I want to ensure we celebrate the growth of her self discipline and focus instead of just the belt itself.
Teach your kids to dream big.
This ties into the previous tip of helping them to envision the longer term consequences and benefits to their decisions. Helping them to dream big let’s them consider what attributes and accomplishments they’d like to achieve, leading to increased intrinsic motivated to complete the tasks and steps necessary to lead them in that direction.
Foster gratitude.
Research shows that regularly practicing gratitude can increase focus in learning and help kids to be resilient when facing challenges. Gratitude can help our children overcome mistakes, think about problems in new ways, and make them happier.
Wow, this is getting so long, but is something I could talk on and on about. It’s an area of research I’m incredibly interested in, especially with how it ties together with education. I hope and believe that if we can spark intrinsic motivation in children from very early on, and foster it as they grow, that they will grow up to be curious, contributing and happy members of your family and society.
What motivates your kids? What are they naturally excited about?
