Examples and Be Assertive

It happened again: you were out playing a casual game of pickleball with friends when that one person lost their temper over a missed point. They even hurled their racket across the court and nearly got you all kicked out—not to mention their shouting on the car ride home about how they “totally had it” and “could have hit the ball if you hadn’t been in the way.” Even if this exact scenario doesn’t sound familiar, it’s likely that you’ve known someone—or are someone—who consistently expresses themselves using aggressive communication. An intimidation tactic, aggressive communication can create discord among friends, family members, and loved ones. So, if you’re the one perpetuating this behavior, you might want to take a step back and re-evaluate your approach to communication.

“Aggressive communication is characterized by expressing one’s needs, desires, and opinions disrespectfully and without the consideration of how it will make others feel or the burdens it places on them,” psychologist David Tzall, PsyD tells Well+Good. “It often involves a dominating attitude where a person seeks to win or control the conversation at the expense of others’ feelings and rights.”

In other words, aggressive communication isn’t really about having a conversation or hearing the other person out, but about forcefully getting your point across, even if it exacerbates the original issue. This can put strain on your relationships, but it’s possible to make changes if you’re prone to communicating aggressively. Ahead, experts explain what aggressive communication looks like, how it affects those around you, and how to shift your communication style to foster deeper, more well-rounded relationships.

What are the four main types of communication?

There are four main types of communication. Aggressive communication is “direct, blunt, openly hostile, and intentionally quarrelsome,” says Dr. Tzall. “It looks to blame, while other forms [of communication] are not as obstructive.” According to this categorization, aggressive communication is the most hostile type of communication. Other communication styles include:

• Assertive communication involves expressing your values, needs, and desires directly with respect for the other person.
• Passive communication occurs when the person is unwilling to express their own thoughts, needs, or feelings for fear of confrontation.
• Passive-aggressive communication is a combination of other communication styles, which appears passive on the surface, but includes indirect aggression through “sarcasm, procrastination, or behind-the-scenes resistance.”

At first glance, you may notice a few similarities between these communication styles. Cassine says that, while aggressive and assertive communication are both direct, they’re not the same thing and should not be referred to interchangeably. “The goal of aggressive communication is to win even at the demise of the other person,” says Cassine. “Whereas assertive communication is built on the premise of expressing yourself in a respectful and direct way that fosters open communication and mutual support, and validates both parties’ perspectives in the conflict, and seeks to remedy it by doing so. Basically, it’s a win/win for both people.”

“People are not monoliths and can adapt their communication styles throughout a variety of situations.” —Chase Cassine, LCSW, psychotherapist

It’s also important to remember that you won’t necessarily fit neatly into one box when it comes to different communication styles, as many of us use different communication styles depending on the situation and people we’re interacting with. “Most people have their own distinct communication style that has been shaped by cultural upbringing, gender roles, and societal norms that impact the way they communicate with others,” says psychotherapist Chase Cassine, LCSW. “People are not monoliths and can adapt their communication styles throughout a variety of situations whether at home, at work, or in interpersonal relationships with others.”

What are examples of aggressive communication?

Aggressive communication is a fight or flight response and can take multiple forms. “When triggered, the body releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, preparing you to either confront (fight) or escape (flight) the danger,” Bray explains. “While this response is crucial for survival—for example, if a saber-toothed tiger is about to eat us—it’s not really effective in situations like family disagreements or workplace scenarios where our safety isn’t immediately at risk.” She adds that, in those situations, “a more balanced, thoughtful response might be more effective.”

According to psychotherapist Suzette Bray, LMFT, examples of aggressive communication include:

• Raising your voice: This includes shouting or yelling at someone to emphasize your point or intimidate them. For instance, this might manifest as a spouse lashing out when their partner criticizes their spending habits, or an employee raising their voice at their manager after receiving a negative performance review.
• Adopting a sarcastic tone: Aggressive communicators might use sarcasm—”You’re SO smart”—to give someone the cold shoulder, make fun of someone, or make someone feel small.
• Name-calling and other insults: In addition to sarcasm, aggressive communicators might fling insults or use name-calling to humiliate or belittle someone.
• Interrupting or talking over others: One aggressive communication tactic includes talking over others in a group setting or constantly interrupting when a friend or loved one is trying to speak.
• Using threatening body language: Aggressive body language can include standing too close to someone, especially after they’ve made their physical boundaries clear, pointing fingers aggressively, or making threatening gestures with the intent of making the other person feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
• Blaming others: An aggressive communicator will not consider the other person’s perspective. Instead, they will find any reason at all to blame the other person for the issue at hand, even if it means twisting their words around, rewriting history, or discrediting what the other person has to say in a way that’s beyond rational.

How does aggressive communication affect relationships?

Aggressive communication can have a severe negative impact on the person you’re communicating with, making them less likely to trust you and more likely to distance themselves from you, sometimes for extended periods. “Aggressive communication is not healthy or appreciative and it reduces the effectiveness of future communication,” says Dr. Tzall. Why exactly is this form of communication so detrimental to our relationships, though? Dr. Tzall lists two important reasons:

Barriers to communication

When you’re aggressive during conversations, that hostility can lead to a communication breakdown. “Aggressive communicators tend to dominate conversations, leaving little room for others to express their views,” says Dr. Tzall. “This can result in one-sided communication where the needs and perspectives of others are not heard or valued. It can also lead to misunderstandings and messages may be misinterpreted from the delivery.” And when the other person isn’t feeling heard, they won’t want to engage with you any longer than they have to, which could mean the end of the relationship.

Lack of connection

Aggressive communication may also create an emotional disconnect. “[Aggressive communication] undermines emotional connection as it drives people away and ruins the ability for others to be drawn in,” Dr. Tzall says. “They do this as a means to protect themselves, as aggressive language and tone is threatening. This withdrawal can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy.” Without that emotional intimacy and connection, the relationship is likely to weaken and, in some cases, even fall into a state of disrepair.

How do I know if I have an aggressive communication style?

Verbal, non-verbal, behavioral, and psychological signs can all indicate that you have an aggressive communication style. Here’s what to look out for, according to Dr. Tzall:

• Verbal signifiers: Harsh language, accusations, demands, interrupting, yelling
• Non-verbal signifiers: Hostile body language, taking up someone’s personal space, hostile facial expressions, aggressive postures
• Behavioral cues: Dominating conversations, reacting defensively
• Psychological cues: Having a need for control, reacting poorly to criticism

How do I train myself to be more assertive and less aggressive?

When you’re entering fight-or-flight mode, self-reflection may help you realize that your fears might be unfounded or overstated, says Bray. “Calming our nervous system by using deep breathing or other relaxation techniques can help us step back and become more assertive rather than aggressive in our communication,” she says. In the moment, you can focus on shifting away from “you statements,” Cassine adds. “Aggressive communication uses a lot of ‘you’ statements like, ‘you’re stupid,’ ‘you’re dumb,’ or ‘you always do stuff like this,’” he says. Instead, practice replacing those phrases with more neutral words that shift the focus to how you feel about a situation. So “you always do stuff like this” might turn into “It hurts me when you forget to take my needs into consideration.”

These “I statements” allow you to communicate your wants and needs without accusing or threatening the other person, according to Cassine. He suggests the “XYZ formula” for assertive communication:

• X: Name the situation
• Y: Say how it makes you feel
• Z: State how it can be resolved

Cassine provides an example script: “Although we have a playful relationship, when the fat joke was made about me in the lunchroom, I felt fat-shamed, humiliated, and embarrassed by it, and I would like to make sure demeaning jokes never happen again.” Here, the speaker avoids “you” statements while still communicating the exact parameters of the situation that made them uncomfortable and suggesting a solution.

How to stop being an aggressive communicator

If you think you’re an aggressive communicator, the strategies above for shifting to assertiveness can be helpful. Additionally, Bray suggests utilizing “DEAR MAN” and “GIVE,” two skills from dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) to transition to a more assertive communication style, as supported by a 2021 study published in BMC Psychiatry¹. The “DEAR” in DEAR MAN provides a script, while the other letters pertain to your delivery. The acronym stands for the following:

• Describe the situation without judgment (e.g., “Yesterday the deadline was missed.”)
• Express your thoughts and feelings (“I feel frustrated because it impacts our timeline.”)
• Assert your needs (“I need us to stick to deadlines to stay on track.”)
• Reinforce the positive outcome of getting what you want (“Meeting deadlines will help our team succeed and reduce stress.”)
• Mindfully focus on your goals and ignore distractions
• Appear confident in tone and body language
• Negotiate and remain willing to give and take

If you want an additional tool to guide your delivery, Bray provides the following summary of “GIVE”:

• Gentle — Gently avoid attacks or threats by keeping your reactions calm and neutral
• Interested — Be interested in the other person’s perspective
• Validate — Acknowledging the other person’s feelings and viewpoints
• Easy manner — Keep the interaction light

If you’re hoping to refrain from aggressive communication, each of these tools and relaxation techniques may be useful in helping you respond rather than react when your emotions become too overwhelming. Shifting to an assertive approach can also help you minimize barriers to connection in your relationships and be more productive, as supported by a 2019 study on nursing students².

Final thoughts

While everyone’s communication style is different, aggressive communication is universally difficult to respond to and rarely elicits the desired results from both parties. Shifting to a more assertive communication style that prioritizes respect and understanding can be a much more effective way to get your emotions across. Though this takes time and effort and may require the help of a mental health professional, unlearning aggressive communication techniques is a crucial step to building deeper relationships.