I’ve heard it advised to not share emotional processing publicly in real time. I’ve heard that it is best to process first and share the experience after you’ve gained perspective. I can see the benefits of that because real time processing is messy and a bit discombobulated. However, I regret not writing more about some of the hardest things I’ve been through in real time, like losing my dad, because I think it can be helpful to reflect back on those seasons and remember for empathy sake just how hard those messy middles can be, and the growth that stemmed from them.
I’m not equating the stress I’m feeling now to the hell of losing a parent at all. But I do feel like I’m in a messy middle ground right now and feeling all the mixed emotions. I’ve always heard moving is hard, but as largely a first timer, I’m finding that to be incredibly true, especially with the addition of a few compounding factors.
I think I’m struggling with admitting it feels hard right now is because you could argue that we have one of the best case scenarios. We have moved in with my mom who is truly one of my best friends. There is no drama here at all and she has so warmly and graciously welcomed us in with open arms and insisted we make ourselves completely at home. And she means it. Our homeschool stuff lives on her kitchen table. I find our shoes scattered shoes all over the house. And I’ve fully made myself at home, taking over her kitchen. And she not only hasn’t complained about a single thing, she’s lovingly embraced it all and is sincerely glad we are here. I don’t know how she does what she does. She’s truly a special breed of woman.
Additionally, we’ve been the benefactors of extended summer living, with jet skis at our disposal and time for lake play, game playing, and movie watching. We’ve lucked out with extra time spent with family and the ability to experience truly non-rushed day to day living.
And yet…
It is hard not to feel like we’re pacing in the interim.
Perhaps it’s because the initial plan was to be doing some bigger travel in this in-between time as a family of four, but instead, David took a new job that has him traveling every week (at least for the time being). Perhaps it’s because we’re entering our favorite season and many of our traditions and decor are boxed up in storage. Perhaps it’s that suddenly everything we knew in our routine is gone, from our piano teacher to our evening rhythms. Perhaps it’s because I have mom guilt that the kids currently have no friends to go run and play with or personal interests to explore beyond the home, like soccer, piano lessons, or gymnastics. Perhaps it’s because I’m human and wonder about things like making the right choices.
Or perhaps it’s mostly because for the larger part of the year, we’ve been unsettled as a family. From the time we broke ground on the new build right before the new year, we’ve had an underlying current of change in process. We finished up sport seasons and co-op classes. We lived through a four month kitchen and bathroom renovation process, a moving out, and a staging and showing process of our home. We lived through last hang outs with friends and telling our home of 14 years goodbye. And instead of being able to channel that energy into making a new place our home, forging new connections, and exploring our new town, we are left hanging out in a season of unknown.
I’m doing my best to appreciate this time for what it is. How many people get the experience of three generational living (in a harmonious manner) under the same roof with so many luxuries at their disposal? Additionally we’ve had seasons where we’ve overscheduled ourselves with practices and commitments; what a gift it is now to get to experience the opposite of that with the gift of time. I see these things; I really do.
And yet, I feel a deep yearning to make a house our home. I feel unsettled. I ache to give my kids the opportunities and connections I want them to have at these ages. I worry if I’m making good choices. I miss having David around more regularly. And I feel that by sharing all this I’ll be labeled as dramatic and ungrateful. But here I am anyway, sharing the messy middle with the hope that for every joy shared in the future, I’ll remember that there was a long season of feeling unsettled. And that for me, it was challenging.
Have you ever felt this kind of in-between/unsettled feeling? Tips?
