Everyone messes up or fails to meet a goal sometimes. But when you’re an Olympic athlete, those losses can play out on a massive scale. And yet, most of these athletes manage to bounce back, continue on in their sport, and sometimes ultimately come out on top. How do they do it? Learning how to deal with disappointment is one way.
Knowing how to keep disappointment from dragging you under comes down to resiliency, says Eric A. Zillmer, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, Carl R. Pacifico professor of neuropsychology, and athletic director emeritus at Drexel University in Philadelphia. Sure, it comes more easily to some people than others. But all of us can learn how to cultivate this valuable trait.
“It’s a myth that you can’t learn how to become more resilient. Everything is easier said than done, but we can change our thinking, goals, and habits,” Zillmer explains.
And the skill doesn’t just help with sports, BTW. Enhanced resiliency makes it easier to cope with setbacks at work, in your relationships, and pretty much every other area of your life, Zillmer says.
Here’s how he helps athletes in his psychology practice do just that—and his advice for how you can do the same.
1. Take responsibility for your thoughts
Failure hurts—whether it’s losing a championship, getting skipped over for a big promotion, or ending a relationship. And it’s totally okay to let yourself feel that. But at some point, you need to start changing the narrative.
“After a day or two, let’s get back on the high horse. Let’s get through the adversity quickly,” says Zillmer, who notes that sometimes, athletes may even need to make this mental pivot smack dab in the middle of a game or performance.
How to do that? Try to remind yourself that “you’re responsible for your thinking. Consider how you got to that conclusion and think about whether you can go to another conclusion,” he says.
In other words, you’re only a loser if you decide you are. You could also choose to decide that you’re someone who lost a game or missed a promotion but can do better next time. It’s your call!
2. See your failure as a data point (not the end result)
A failure can feel like the end of the world when it first happens. Zillmer advises his athletes to contain the sense of catastrophe by seeing the loss as a source of information (“I failed here because of X, Y, or Z”), rather than an ultimate judgment call on their skills or their entire athletic career. “It takes the emotions out of it,” he says.
Once you can objectively absorb this information, “you can use it as a springboard to turn the loss into an opportunity,” to come up with a game plan to do better next time, he explains. And that can actually make you feel hungry for the future, rather than wallowing in the past.
“If you can invite failure into your life and transfer it into opportunity, you just won a gold medal in your own soul.” —Eric A. Zillmer, PsyD
3. Take it day by day
Sometimes you know from the start that your comeback path is going to be a long one. When that happens, breaking things down into baby steps will make the journey feel more manageable. For athletes who’ve sustained a sidelining injury, Zillmer encourages them to “make some short-term goals about rehabbing, healing, and walking. We’re not thinking about winning a championship here, we’re just trying to get you moving again.”
This doesn’t just apply to the sports world, of course. If you unexpectedly get laid off, for instance, start mapping out a step-by-step plan for what you’ll do to find another job and check off those boxes one by one. Task one might be deciding whether honing certain skills can make you more hirable, and then taking a class to learn them. Task two might be to reach out to everyone in your network to let them know you’re on the job market. And so on.
4. Lean on your team
Athletes often have a literal team they can turn to, but we all have people we can lean on for support when we’re floundering. So reach out to them. “The worst thing you can do is be in a room alone and not tell anyone what’s happening,” Zillmer says.
The key is reaching out to people who will encourage you to do the work involved in bouncing back. After a breakup, spend more time with friends who will invite you along to their pickleball game or knitting circle, so you can have fun trying out a new hobby—and less with the ones who are pushing you to seek revenge on your ex or set up a new online dating profile. “The people have to be process-oriented, not focused on whether you win or lose,” says Zillmer.
5. Remember your “why”
A major setback might make you want to give up completely in the moment. When you feel the urge to throw in the towel, take some time to think about the reason why you got into this in the first place. Maybe you’re training for that marathon to show your kids how strong you can be, for instance.
“Most athletes have a personal reason for why they’re doing something. If you come back to the ‘why,’ then you can bear almost any ‘how,'” Zillmer says.
6. Flip the script
It’s easy to get more caught up in the outcome (did you win or lose?) than the process itself (how did you grow during the prep process?), both in sports and everyday life. Committing to being more interested in the journey than the result can make you more resilient when you fall short, Zillmer says.
Maybe your fundraiser didn’t earn quite as much as you were hoping, but you still pulled in some strong donors and learned about ways to do better next time, for instance.
7. Know that this will make you better (even if it doesn’t feel like it)
No one wants to hear this right after an epic fail, but it’s true: Adversity can make you stronger. Zillmer encourages his athletes to embrace challenges, because they encourage you to work harder and do better next time.
“Failure is a prerequisite to succeed,” he says. “If you can invite failure into your life and transfer it into opportunity, you just won a gold medal in your own soul.”
When to see a therapist
It can always be helpful to talk through a struggle with a mental health professional, whether from sports or life. But it’s definitely worth seeking help if you’re having trouble coping on your own or if your failure is interfering with your everyday life. Per the American Psychological Association, that might look like:
- Spending a lot of time ruminating over it (like more than an hour a day)
- Cutting back on goals or ambitions related to the failure
- Not wanting to talk about the problem with others because it’s embarrassing
A therapist can help you get to the heart of what’s going on. Together, you can find ways to reframe the situation and move forward towards your goals.
