Right now I have the porch door open, allowing the first hint of crisp air to breeze in. Fake fall or not, I can feel it reviving me! August and February have very similar energies to me; they both seem to drag on, firmly planted in their respective it’s just so cold or it’s just so hot stances. But gosh I love September.
For us September brings a lot: the return to soccer, theater, co-op, and more. Hailey and I both have birthdays to celebrate. Mine is a big one, 40, and we’re going to spend it exploring Zion National Park. I’m looking forward to it greatly! College football returns, it feels appropriate to decorate with fall colors if I so feel inclined, and soup starts to sound good again.
I’ve had some emotional swings lately. Nothing crazy, just reflective. I’m starting to think this is just the person I’m becoming more and more. The girls asked to see Timehop the other day and a video of three year old Kaitlyn chopping carrots in the kitchen popped up. With a crunch of success she looks up and says “I do it, mama!” and tears sprung to my eyes. Sometimes you don’t realize how much their voices or their ways have matured until you compare it to an old video. Record everything, even the mundane, and make no apologies.
I’ve also thought about dad a lot lately. Timely, since National Grief Awareness Day was yesterday. I was reflecting on how everyone will experience this tangled emotion at some point in our lives. For better or worse, it’s something that connects us all. We all experience the emotion of grief- an intense love with nowhere to go.
I find myself sometimes wondering what life would look like right now if dad was still here. I feel like I can hear him still saying the simple things about simple pleasures like me asking what they’re up to this weekend and hearing him respond with complete contentment that “your mom and I are going to play a round of golf and then we’ll just come back here for the game.”
Gosh how they loved those ordinary days of some fresh air and then just relaxing and being together. Best friends. I remember asking him if he was scared to die, and he would share that he wasn’t scared, but just sad to be leaving the life he loved so much. I miss him for me. I miss him for my brother. I miss him for mom.
The distance between now and the last time I talked with him, in a casual life catch up way, seems like so long ago. I worry that I’m forgetting some of the little things. But I know I remember the big things- values of family and self reflection and gratitude he instilled in us, among other things. I still find myself working him into conversations whenever I can; talking about him, even 3 1/2 years (how?!) after his death, makes me feel close to him.
One thing I know about myself now is that I don’t like to dwell in the negative. However, I have pushed myself lately to take the time to feel, really feel, these things before taking a deep breath and recentering on the beautiful life right in front of me. Change the channel, as dad used to say. I believe that the full spectrum of emotions make us human and I want to experience it all, while always returning to face the sunshine.
So, back to September. In many ways it’s my favorite month- the promise of fall and coziness, but not quite into the fray of it all. I like to drag my feet through this month and so I think I’ll do just that as it begins tomorrow. Light some candles, create the feeling of family and coziness in my home, cook some good food, and soak it all in. Feeling grateful for the people and the life I love so much. Thanks for being part of it; I hope you are well in mind, body, and spirit <3
