How Continual Exhaustion and Lack of Relaxation Is Affecting Our Well being

There’s a lot Americans disagree on in 2024.

Politics are more divisive than ever; social media fuels heated arguments about parenting styles; and we’ll be debating if skinny jeans are cool until the day we die (at least, this millennial will). One thing we can all agree on, though? We’re tired. And not in an, “I stayed up partying one too many nights in a row and need an entire week to recover” kind of way. We’re overextended, overbooked, and exhausted to the core.

We need downtime to rest, and we need it now—but in reality, it’s hard to come by. Over eight million people work multiple jobs¹, more than 40 percent don’t take all their vacation time, and ever since the pandemic, the once-blurred line between work and home has been all but erased. For so many of us, a day—or even an hour—of downtime feels like a fantasy.

So if you’re asking, “How did things get so bad?” you’re not alone. Why is it that we can’t ever seem to catch a break? And will we ever feel well-rested again? We asked experts to shed some light, and also share how our collective chronic exhaustion might be changing us for the long haul.

How did we get here anyway?

“The world has been stressful lately,” Debbie Sorensen, PhD, psychologist in Denver, CO, and author of ACT for Burnout: Recharge, Reconnect, and Transform Burnout with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, tells Well+Good. “There’s this constant backdrop of stress that we’re all dealing with, and on top of that, it’s just become expected that people will overwork.”

Although people have always had work and family obligations, society has shifted in such a way that has made it impossible to stop and take time to recharge in between those commitments, says Sorensen.

And research seems to indicate that it’s been this way for a while. “Since at least the mid-nineteenth century, these narratives of distress have been bound together not primarily by mutual understandings and shared experiences of stress,” says Sorensen, “but by the apocalyptic fear that stress is the inevitable result of the psychological pressures generated by the unfettered growth of industrial and technological capitalism.”

In reality, humans have been stressed for a long time, but newer generations tend to think they’ve got more stress than the last—which, in and of itself, might be part of the problem.

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It’s at the heart of the American Dream: Work hard, and you will be successful—which many equate with happiness and fulfillment.

— Debbie Sorensen, PhD

“Our modern lives are very focused on productivity, achieving, and doing,” says Rebecca Robbins, PhD, a sleep scientist at the Brigham and Women’s Hospital and an assistant professor in medicine at Harvard Medical School. It’s at the heart of the American Dream—work hard, and you will be successful (which many equate with happiness and fulfillment). That mindset has become normal, and we are surrounded by cultural messages that encourage work, discourage rest, and emphasize our worthiness only when we’re producing and achieving, Sorensen says.

For example, think of a time when a manager or co-worker scoffed at you or someone else for taking a full week of vacation—even if paid time off is part of your benefits package. That reaction likely led you to think twice before booking your next vacation, and maybe you skipped it entirely to avoid the eye rolls.

“It’s very culturally driven, but we internalize these messages about productivity and rest, to the extent that it’s become something that we aren’t so comfortable with anymore,” Sorensen explains. The not-so-subtle message from your coworkers: If you take time off, you’re lazy. You’re not committed or driven enough. Someone else would be happy to take your job and work even harder. Cue the thought spiral that leaves many of us to accept stress and burnout as the norm—even though the World Health Organization defines burnout as an actual syndrome derived from poorly managed chronic workplace stress.

To make matters worse, this modern life doesn’t jive with the optimal schedule our bodies need to feel rested. “The body’s circadian rhythm, or internal clock, affects almost every single cell in the body,” says Helena Rempala, PhD, a psychologist at Ohio State University who specializes in helping adults with executive function deficits (like ADHD) and sleep disturbances (like insomnia and circadian rhythm disorders). “It’s the master clock in us that governs everything,” she says. “Sleeping is just one piece of it.”

This master clock uses sunlight to decipher between night and day, which essentially tells all the cells in our body how to function depending on the time. Perfect for when we were living that up-with-the-sun agrarian life. But in modern society? We manhandle our circadian rhythms, mostly because we can, Rempala says. We turn up artificial lights so that we can keep working late into the night, and stay alert and stimulated at times when naturally, the setting sun would tell our bodies it’s time to wind down and rest. 

The truth is, we all have so much to do, which leads many to prioritize busy-ness and productivity over all else—including getting sufficient sleep, says Rempala.

But this starts a vicious cycle: The more we put on our plates, and the less we prioritize sleep and good sleep habits, the more stressed we get, and the harder it is to sleep. “People who are constantly stressed and haven’t really learned how to shut off their brains are at risk of chronic insomnia,” says Alon Avidan, MD, MPH, a professor of neurology at UCLA and the director of the UCLA Sleep Disorders Center. Having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep night after night can lead to sleep deprivation. And sleep deprivation—getting far less sleep than you need to stay awake and alert throughout the day—is the cherry on top of mental and emotional exhaustion.

Of course, we might be able to make all of these life demands work if we had good support systems in place. But many people do not. “We encounter this problem where there’s constantly too much to do without the support that we need to make it happen,” Sorensen says.

There might be no greater example of this than childcare. If parents learned one thing from the pandemic, when schools and daycares shut down, it’s that there just isn’t enough time in the day to be a full-time employee and a full-time parent. But the cost of childcare has also made it extremely challenging to afford balancing the two.

In recent years, childcare rates have skyrocketed: According to data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the cost of daycare and preschool increased faster than ever (6.8 percent) in March 2023, despite broader inflation slowing down. And in many places across the country, there are no openings at centers within months—if not years—often due to logistical issues like staffing shortages. “Lack of support is systemic,” Sorensen says. “We just don’t have the types of community support that we are meant to have.”

They say “it takes a village” to raise a kid, and any parent knows that’s true. But most don’t have a village; hell, some don’t even have an extra set of hands to help. According to Pew Research Center, about 15 percent of U.S. parents say they have almost no support raising their kids, and 2 percent note they have zero support whatsoever. So parents are doing everything they can to make it work, pushing their time and mental capacity to the limits. When someone ends up sick and can’t go to daycare, or the car breaks down and throws off the finely tuned schedule, the stresses compound.

It’s a problem that recently reached a fever pitch and garnered the attention of the U.S. Surgeon General. In August, Vivek Murthy, MD, released an advisory acknowledging that parents are not all right. Dr. Murthy notes that parents today both work more hours and spend more time caring for their kids than parents did in the past. The stress and burnout they’re experiencing is a public health issue, he says. According to the report, 48 percent of parents say that most days, their stress is completely overwhelming. In comparison, only 26 percent of child-free adults feel the same.

“Anyone in a chronically stressful role can experience burnout,” says Sorensen, “but you’re more at risk if you’re experiencing chronic stress in multiple areas of your life.”

A working parent is, of course, a prime example, but there are plenty of other examples of having an especially demanding career and life outside of work. Maybe you have an emotionally demanding job, or spend everyday in a toxic workplace environment; maybe you constantly worry about your safety and security at home, or are just faced with an insurmountable financial strain that makes you feel like you’re constantly treading water to survive. There are endless reasons why a person may feel like they just can’t take a break—despite desperately needing one.

How a lack of rest is changing us—physically, emotionally, and socially

Unsurprisingly, all work and no play is not the recipe for well-being. In fact, it can inflict a lot of damage on every aspect of our lives.

“Because I’m a therapist who specializes in chronic stress and burnout, I see the impact all the time,” Sorensen says. “Even for the most high-functioning and productive people, it becomes unsustainable at a certain point, and they can hit an emotional wall where they can’t keep up with the pace, or just don’t want to.” This wall can look like burnout—exhaustion, negativity and cynicism, and reduced efficacy at work. In extreme cases, it can lead to depression and substance use disorder, Sorensen explains.

“Some people can keep chugging along for a long time, but they’re missing having a satisfying life. There’s a big range there, from very tragic cases to people who just feel disconnected and like they aren’t enjoying life anymore,” says Sorensen. All of these are valid reasons to want to press pause and take a break.

Stress can also affect our mood and undermine the way we behave in our personal lives, “which can chip away at relationship happiness over time,” says Lisa Neff, PhD, a professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences at the University of Texas at Austin, whose research focuses on how stress affects couples’ relationships. “Coping with a lot of stress coming from outside the home can undermine both the quantity and quality of time that you spend with your partner,” she says.

It makes sense: If you’re spending a lot of time dealing with work and other demands, there are fewer hours in the day for fostering your relationship. And when you do spend time with your partner or family, your mind might be elsewhere—or you can’t avoid talking about stressors instead of things that can grow and strengthen your relationship.

“In general, if you’re coping with more stress, you will engage in fewer leisure activities and are less likely to engage in physical intimacy, sex, and other forms of affection,” Neff says. Even small everyday stressors, like problems with transportation or an argument with a friend, can drastically reduce the likelihood of physical intimacy, according to Neff’s recent research.

Stress also “clouds the filter through which we see our partner,” she adds. “Even with newlyweds, I have found when people are dealing with more stress, they hone in on their partners’ negative behaviors to a greater degree.” Chronic stress also makes it harder for people to recognize that their partners need support and to give that support effectively.

As you can imagine, all of these factors piled up tend to result in poor communication and conflict-resolution skills, which really wears on a relationship, Neff says.

Last but not least, lack of rest can take a physical toll on your body and long-term health. It’s no secret that skimping on sleep has real health consequences—it’s linked to a greater risk of health problems like heart disease, kidney disease, diabetes, depression, and stroke, according to the National Institutes of Health. It can also cause issues with memory, reaction time, learning, attention, and mood, leaving you constantly feeling frustrated and cranky. Long-term sleep deprivation is also associated with cognitive decline, says Robbins. In fact, some research has found a link between short sleep duration in midlife and an increased risk of developing dementia later on.

But even if you’re getting enough shut-eye, living a life of constant stress and zero rest will chip away at your health over time—sometimes, in ways you won’t even notice. Prolonged exposure to chronic stress (from anything like work-related pressures to challenging conditions in your environment) and frequent episodes of short-term stressors (like work deadlines or relationship conflicts) can make it difficult to function on a daily basis and increase the risk of health issues, like cardiovascular disease, anxiety, and depression, according to the National Library of Medicine.

According to research in Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, the connection between stress and health problems likely boils down to inflammation: Psychological stress activates the sympathetic nervous system, causing a release of hormones and chemicals, including epinephrine, norepinephrine, and cortisol. It basically kicks your entire body into high gear to respond to the stressor (aka fight or flight response). These chemicals, and the effects they have on multiple processes throughout the body, may not just contribute to inflammation-driven illnesses, like cardiovascular disease and diabetes; they may also have an impact on biological aging—meaning, chronic stress may actually age our cells more rapidly.

What we can do to fight back (and rest)

It’s hard to push back against a culture that tells you your worth comes from working hard, and that resting makes you unproductive and useless. It’s even harder to do that when you simply don’t have the option to press pause, because you’re struggling to make ends meet, or have a family that relies on you for support.

Ultimately, we need systemic change. In his report, Dr. Murthy notes that to fix parental exhaustion, we need more financial support for families, better paid time off policies, affordable childcare, reliable mental healthcare services, and safe community spaces for kids and parents to build communities.

That’s a long list. We’ve got a long way to go, but we’re making progress, Sorensen notes. 

“Lately, there have been a lot of people speaking up about how rest is really important to us and how working constantly is really not sustainable or humane, and I think the more people speak out about this, the more potential there is to change some of these expectations and systems,” Sorensen says. “I do have some hope. I think it’s slow, and we’re not there yet, but the needle is moving a little on this.”

In the meantime, remember that rest is not a luxury reserved for only some people; it’s essential for everyone. It may feel a little counterculture to take it, but you should do so in whatever ways are feasible for your life and financial situation. A few things that can help:

• Shift your mindset. “At the individual level, people need to be aware of how these cultural narratives and systems are affecting them and their individual well-being,” Sorensen says. Once you start to see it and understand what’s happening, your exhaustion will make a lot more sense. You may be able to give yourself a little grace—eliminating some self-blame can help lessen the weight a bit, Sorensen says.
• Get your priorities straight. Rempala says it’s important to establish the priorities in your life, and then let that help guide your actions. For example, maybe family time is valuable to you, but working is always taking precedence over that. Prioritizing what’s most important may look like setting stricter boundaries at work so that you’re not on your phone sending emails when you should be present with your kids before bedtime.

  “Once you start picking and choosing what’s important, you will have to say no to yourself about certain things,” Rempala says. “It’s hard. But you have to focus on what you want to do, what’s important. Everybody has a slightly different way of looking at it.” Prioritizing will ultimately help you cut back stress and fit in things that help you feel rested, recharged, and fulfilled.

• Take time to breathe. Deep breathing can be a really effective tool for calming down your body and reducing anxiety when you’re reaching your limit. All it takes is five minutes, and you can do it wherever you are. Robbins also recommends making it part of your bedtime routine. “One simple ritual that can help prepare the brain and body for sleep is to practice a relaxation exercise as part of your bedtime routine, such as a few rounds of box breathing or the 4-7-8 breath technique,” she says. “These small breathing exercises are very powerful for helping us combat stress and fall asleep faster.”

Even if you can only manage the mindset shift—telling yourself that you deserve rest—that’s a step in the right direction. And if you’ve been looking to start that process, consider this your permission.