As for today, I have my coffee in hand and I’m ready to chat with you guys but my brain feels jumbled and my emotions are admittedly all over the place. I have a million different ideas for today’s blog post and figured I’d go ahead and mesh them all together in the form of a “Currently” blog post — aka the perfect all-over-the-place style blog post that makes it easy to share a little bit of everything swirling around in my frazzled brain right now. My last “Currently” blog post was in February so I figured we’re overdue anyway. Let’s dive in!
Currently: September 2023
- Currently Soaking Up… the last of summer
We’ve had some cooler mornings over the past week or so which have me craving sweater season but another part of me is keeping my feet firmly planted in summer as long as possible. I love lake days, pool time and feeling warm sunshine on my skin. We had 14 kids and 11 adults over on Sunday for nearly six hours of fun on the lake and it made me so, so happy. When we built our home, we envisioned hosting friends and family and all-day gatherings and seeing our kids light up as they splashed and swam in the lake made me feel so grateful for the one billionth time.
- Currently Can’t Believe… it’s (finally) back to school for ALL of our boys!
After living in limbo for three weeks with Chase in school and Rhett and Ryder semi-patiently awaiting the beginning of their preschool year, all three boys are back in school this week (with a staggered start for Rhett for two weeks but at least it’s something). This weird limbo zone of one kid in school and two kids out of school admittedly wasn’t my favorite. I LOVE summer and love it when all kids are home and we have complete freedom in our schedules and I love the routine that comes with the school year but the limbo zone of school for one kid and no school for two wasn’t my favorite. Apparently I’m an all or nothing kind of girl with summer or the school year so now that we can officially say school is in session in our house, I feel like I can begin to embrace our new routine.
- Currently Looking Forward To… Cheering for Ryan during his first FULL IronMan!
After months of back-and-forth, Ryan officially registered for his first FULL IronMan. He’s completed three 70.3 IronMan races and has another one he’ll be doing with my brother-in-law on his schedule for the end of September but he’s had a full IronMan in the back of his mind for a while now. A full IronMan is a LOT — we’re talking 140.6 miles (a 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike and a 26.2 mile run) — and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous for him. The distance just absolutely blows my mind but I also know he absolutely can do it. He’s dedicated, motivated and strong and we’ll be rooting for him during the race and in the two months leading up to it as his training kicks into full gear.
- Currently Remembering… Greg
Losing my father-in-law was one of the hardest things our family has faced. It’s something we still struggle with and think about often, especially as grief manifests in different ways. The other day I read Brittany’s blog post where she touched on losing her father more than three years ago. Her words were powerful and there was one part of her blog post I’ve found myself thinking about on repeat. I wanted to share her words here for anyone else who might be navigating loss in one way or another.
“One thing I know about myself now is that I don’t like to dwell in the negative. However, I have pushed myself lately to take the time to feel, really feel, these things before taking a deep breath and recentering on the beautiful life right in front of me. ‘Change the channel,’ as dad used to say. I believe that the full spectrum of emotions make us human and I want to experience it all, while always returning to face the sunshine.”
Her perspective felt like the reminder I needed to sit and feel the immense pain that can bubble up when I think about Greg and about what all Ryan experienced and is experiencing relating to the loss of his father. It also served as a reminder that it’s okay to feel those things, cry the tears we need to cry and take those shaky deep breaths even when we know what we have right in front of us is something to cherish.
- Currently Ruminating Over… Our “should be” due date
I haven’t talked much about our fourth miscarriage since sharing a little bit about it back in January and then touching on our loss again when I discussed our family’s thoughts on a fourth child in March. A big part of me feels like I’ve exhausted all discussions of miscarriage on this blog and another part of me realizes it’s probably really freaking annoying to read about for anyone out there whose longing for a child (however that may look) goes unanswered. It also felt “small” (for lack of a better word) compared to the immense loss we felt when my father-in-law passed away.
At the same time, another part of me recognizes that completely ignoring this loss in this space isn’t being true to myself either. To be honest, it is something I’ve found myself struggling more with recently, as our “should be” due date came and went in August.
My heart is struggling because I wish so deeply I had our baby at home with us right now. I wish I had our baby sleeping on my chest as I type up this post. At the same time, I still very much stand firm in the words I shared back in March and not one single thing has changed since then relating to growing our family. (We’re not trying for a baby and likely will not ever again. The thought of being pregnant again fills me with intense anxiety and I meant it when I said I don’t think my heart can go through it again.)
While I find myself longing for the baby we lost, it’s that baby I’m grieving and longing for and not necessarily another baby. This may not make any sense to many of you reading out there (and I’m not sure it would’ve made sense to me after our first losses when I was very firm in my feelings surrounding wanting more children) but it’s almost like mess of grieving the baby we lost and praying for peace as we continue to move forward into the next phase of parenting. It’s a phase that’s so wonderful and fun and exciting and a phase I am ready for but it also feels so very final to say that’s where we’re headed. There is a swirl of emotions that bubble up when I think about it and those feelings have only felt all the more intense as the “should be” due date of the fourth baby we lost came and went last month.
- Currently Feeling… happy heartache
Last night I had a moment where I found myself sitting on the ground in the boys’ bedroom with tears rolling down my cheeks. We were about 20 minutes into a rockin’ dance party and Chase and Ryder asked me to stop dancing and sit down and watch them. As I watched our three boys dance in their matching pajamas without any inkling of self consciousness and as I watched them jump and shake and twirl with pure joy, I couldn’t help the tears. I found myself filled with what I can only describe as happy heartache.
I found myself wondering how much longer they’ll want to do this together. I found myself fully recognizing the years of unabandoned dance parties aren’t finite and the years filled with our boys looking to me for attention, love and everything won’t last. It shouldn’t and it’s my job to make sure it doesn’t but it the way I felt last night also served as a reminder to soak it all up.
As Ryan and I let Pepper out together after the boys were in bed, I told him the tears came last night because I know deep within my soul that there’s going to be a time in the future — in 10, 20, 40+ years — when I would do anything to relive last night’s dance party. We’re in the absolute thick of parenting young kids and that does not come without its challenges but we’re also in the thick of the most incredibly sweet, adorable, wonderful, consuming, fun and joyful years, too. I know it. I feel it. And I want to cherish it.
Questions of the Day
Pick a “Currently” or two and share…
- Currently soaking up…
- Currently can’t believe…
- Currently looking forward to…
- Currently remembering… (If you’d like to share more about someone you are missing deeply and remembering, I’d be honored to read more about them. I know sometimes it can feel good and cathartic to share something good about someone you miss so much.)
- Currently ruminating over…
- Currently feeling…
