The idea of being rejected is pretty terrifying for most people—it’s right up there with a root canal. But recently, TikTok creators have attempted to ease their fear of rejection with an unorthodox practice: intentionally seeking a “no” (yes, seriously) in hopes of becoming more comfortable with it.
Dubbed “rejection therapy,” this trend is similar to exposure therapy—or gradually exposing yourself to the things you fear and pretty much avoid at all costs. In their search for rejection, creators are taking bold (and sometimes silly) risks. They’re requesting $100 from strangers, asking to make an announcement on a store intercom, and even trying to get a dress for free.
While rejection therapy isn’t clinical or medically studied like exposure therapy, it might help you realize that you can survive rejection.
So, is there any merit to this trend? (Spoiler alert: not always!) Read on for a therapist’s take on when it can help, along with some tips:
What is rejection therapy (and where did it come from)?
Rejection therapy was coined in 2009 by entrepreneur and Zero to Superhero author Jason Comely. After his wife left him, he began isolating himself—and soon realized that wasn’t helping. Comely believed a fear of rejection was behind the urge to distance himself from others and wanted to beat it. So he created a gamified version of rejection therapy, in which he made cards that have rejection “dares,” so to speak.
The term was later popularized in a 2017 TED Talk by Jia Jiang, author of Rejection Proof: How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection.
Today, the concept of rejection therapy is going viral on TikTok. If you combine the TikTok videos tagged as “rejection therapy” and “100 days of rejection,” you’ll see almost 6,000 videos listed.
Some people find value in the experience despite lackluster results. For example, TikTok creator Sisanda CJ, who requested a free dress, did not receive it. “I didn’t die,” she says in the video. “The world didn’t crumble… I feel like I could do anything and achieve anything. This is good. Join me for day two.”
The fear of rejection is real
The anxiety before a big request or risk is natural—and quite common. Almost 75 percent of people are decidedly or moderately risk-averse, according to a 2003 study published in the journal Medical Decision Making. Women, meanwhile, are more likely to avoid risks, per a recent study published in the British Journal of Psychology.
That’s certainly understandable. Confession: When someone tries to convince me to do something—like set a healthy boundary with a family member—they say, “The worst they can say is no,” and my Scorpio comes out, which is to say I’m filled with fieriness. I want to respond, “Exactly! They could very well say no, and that’s terrifying!”
This can extend to various areas of our lives. Asking a new crush on a date? No thanks. Asking for a raise? Maybe I’ll just settle for a subpar salary.
There’s even a phenomenon called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, in which people have an intense emotional response to rejection, both real and perceived. (That comes right for the jugular, doesn’t it?) But know this: avoiding potential rejection can mean sacrificing great opportunities. You can’t get what you don’t ask for.
In one TikTok video, creator Maureen Evelyn, who goes by the moniker Maureen the Content Coach, explained that she tried to get rejected as many times as possible. At one point, she applied to a marketing agency job that mandated a college degree and several years of experience, which she does not have. But, she got it. Her takeaway? “If you wanna do something, apply!”
A therapist’s take on rejection therapy—and if it’s for you
Can rejection therapy actually lessen our rejection woes? “It can help clients move beyond their comfort zones and build their confidence,” says Marisha Mathis, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks in Raleigh, North Carolina, who specializes in self-esteem, anxiety, and coping skills.
It creates a healthy tolerance for “no,” Mathis adds. “Some people fear rejection so much that they will not follow their dreams or desires. Repeated exposure to ‘no’ helps build resistance to negative associations with rejection.”
It can be beneficial in certain situations. Mathis lists times when you’re likely to shut down, give up, or be consumed by negative thoughts, like those days when you can’t build up the courage to converse with someone at a group fitness class or fear expressing a contrary opinion at dinner.
Clinical psychologist John Duffy recommends listing all the fears that might stand in the way of your goals. In this YouTube clip on rejection therapy, he advocates starting with small, easy risks to build up courage. “Slowly work your way up that hierarchy until the stuff gets a little tougher,” says Duffy.
However, Mathis also warns against situations in which rejection therapy isn’t the answer—and could even backfire. (Also, you want to be respectful of people’s boundaries and time.) Mathis urges not engaging in rejection therapy if:
- You have a great degree of trauma, and rejection therapy could trigger that unresolved trauma.
- Your self-esteem is rocky, and repeated rejection could further damage it.
- The other person expresses that they don’t want to interact.
- You’re in environments where it could be inappropriate, like at work.
- You have social anxiety that could be exacerbated by rejection therapy.
Also, be mindful of your mindset going in. “You shouldn’t engage in rejection therapy without reflecting on the reasons for rejection and your feelings around it,” Mathis says. “Rejection therapy can become mechanical and unproductive. It could neutralize the original intent for emotional growth or self-awareness.”
Otherwise, she ultimately encourages giving it a shot. “You don’t have to participate in the trend to record or post it, but if you do struggle with rejection, this could be a proactive way to make rejection hurt less when it does happen.”
Again, it’s probably best to see the rejection therapy trend for what it is: a slightly humorous (and sometimes helpful) way to curtail anxiety around dates, for example. For more severe help with anxiety, talking to a therapist is probably your best bet. If they have a full caseload and “reject” you with a referral, well, that’s another day of rejection therapy in the books.
