The passing of time has really been affecting me lately on many fronts. Perhaps it’s watching my kids grow into tweens, or acknowledging it’s now been three full years since my dad passed away, or batting around some (exciting!) life decisions David and I are figuring out, or perhaps it’s my upcoming 40th birthday, but I’m struggling a bit.
Sometimes I find myself tearing up looking at younger families. Wasn’t that just me? I sit in awe at my beautiful girls and want to hold on to them. I feel time whipping by me and my usual deep breath and refocus on all that I’m grateful for technique isn’t always cutting it.
I’m not looking for a quick fix, so I am acknowledging that I might just need to create some margin, some breathing space, time to sit and feel and think and reflect and pray. Those things, I’ve found, take white space. I don’t have much success scheduling in “between 9:00 and 10:00 AM I will process emotions and at 10:15 I’ll head to the chiropractor.” Nope.
So I’m going to give myself that gift. I’m going to work through these highly charged emotions, breathe in the quiet, pour into being with my kids, connect with David, take Finley on longer walks, read some books, listen to some podcasts, and focus on little else but being present in my own life.
I want to spend some time sorting out who I am at this phase of life, what my values are, and what I want. Sounds like a midlife crisis, doesn’t it? I keep laughing and saying maybe it is whenever I share it with a friend, and while I’m not ready to go buy a convertible and take off into the sunset, I am craving a slow down and search for greater internal peace and direction.
I’m going to take some space right now from the pressure I put on myself to show up online. I don’t even know what this will fully look like, but I want to evaluate what in life brings me joy, meaning, creative fulfillment, and connection, and what things I’m doing because I’ve simply become accustomed to doing so.
Maybe it means I’ll be blogging my daily thoughts and maybe it means I’ll go full on ghost mode for the next month or so; I’m not sure. I have no doubt that I’ll be back, this space is a part of me, but I need to figure sort some things out. Thanks for being here; I appreciate each and every one of you so much! <3
