Maybe your grief exploration will lead you to the fact that you’ve given up more than you can spare. There is a misconception that self-sacrifice is what’s necessary in order to be an attuned parent—that putting the self aside will lead to better child rearing.
Psychologist Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., calls this concept “de-selfing,” when one person does more giving in and going along than is her share and therefore loses contact with her own preferences and ability to make self-attuned choices.
While putting your needs aside at times is essential, when we take ourselves (our feelings, beliefs, ideas) out of the relationship, we pose a threat to connection rather than feed it. Abandoning the core parts of the self, disconnecting from the things that make you you, impedes your connection to your child, rather than enhances it.
In support circles I’ve heard parents make statements like “I love my children, but…” or “Being a parent is the best, but…” I pay close attention to what comes after the “but,” as this seems to be where the difficult truth exists, if we didn’t feel the need to pad it with the good feelings to protect ourselves from feeling guilt or shame.
Listen to what comes after your “but,” to find the parts of you that you are longing to reconnect with. “But it’s so hard,” “but it’s so lonely,” “but it’s so boring,” are all acknowledgements of your unmet needs that require further investigation.
Getting these needs met by (being more social with your friends, traveling to a new place, trying new sex acts), might enable you to be emotionally alive as a parent. I remember the time that my husband and I brought the double stroller with our two sleeping children to a beach party in Costa Rica for New Years Eve. We parked them under the mangroves and danced close by. It wasn’t the same as it was, but it made us feel whole—a merging of our past and present selves. What does merging look like for you?
