As the examples above demonstrate, many people operate under the assumption that a good partner will be able to instinctively know what you want, how you feel about certain things, and what would make you feel loved. According to this line of thinking, you shouldn’t have to tell your partner how to care for you—because if they’re the right partner for you and they truly love you, they will “just know.” If you have to directly tell someone to do something meaningful for you, then it’s not worth it because they clearly don’t care enough to do it themselves without being asked.
But Sosa says there are flaws in this line of thinking. “A common, socially constructed narrative that we have about relationships is that being able to anticipate our partner’s needs is a sign of love,” she explains. While it sounds nice, she notes this is akin to “expecting others to read your mind.”
That’s because, firstly, what each of us wants out of our relationships and our partners will vary significantly. One person might highly value big, romantic gestures from a partner like big surprises and public displays of affection, while others might not care much at all for that sort of stuff. One person might see sharing hobbies with a partner as very important and meaningful to them, while others don’t really see that as a requirement for a satisfying relationship.
Our needs and preferences can also change depending on the context or over time, Sosa adds. “As humans, we are in a constant state of fluctuation. One moment we need emotional comfort; the next, concrete steps and solutions.”
No matter how much your partner might love you, expecting them to correctly guess every single preference and need you have, as well as how you’ll feel about any given situation that comes up, isn’t reasonable or realistic.
“Expecting our person to decipher our internal workings (the ones even we have a hard time making sense of!) can set us up for disappointment and ultimately resentment,” says Sosa.
